My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!