My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
The Onion called it…again.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
The prophecy is fulfilled
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Sing it!
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
they should invent a hydrating liquor
the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad