Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!

Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress

It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.

The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.