My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
at ease…shoulder.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
bury ourselves
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).