Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”

-Oysters

grandparents are too precious for this world

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.

(Don’t need me)

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: [snoring]

Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

[Amphibian Playground]

BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds

TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!

TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: I was raised in a working-class family…

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies

[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationery

philosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

The legends were true

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”

me: are you checking me out

librarian: yes

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Carpe DM

There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.