My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*