My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
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interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I think I’m having a stroke
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!