Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

[How salad was created]

You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.

– Single piece of lettuce

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.

My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.

My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.

PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.

Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.

GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.

JESUS: What’s a martyr?

GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?

*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

NOT all policemen are strippers.

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life