Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
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I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.