@kendraaaleighh

My roommate’s boyfriend has been here for 9 consecutive days and nights which is fine except i cant stand being in his presence and everything he does deeply infuriates me. going to start leaving subtle hints that he should go home like for example lighting his shoes on fire

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@matt___nelson

[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow

@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

@DanMentos

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

@AngryRaccoon2

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

@JediGigi

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

@_Tempo11

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

@shutupmikeginn

[ear is bleeding for 3 days straight] hmm better keep an eye on that.
[laptop slow for one second] i gotta run AdWare & antivirus right now