Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.

I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster

Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days

One guy who hates calendars: Finally

[Job interview]

-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?

Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.