Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water

“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

[parade]

Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?

Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: But i thought we were happy

Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me

Me: You leave eclair bear out of this

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.