Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

spicy snake

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”

There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.