Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

(Hugging)

Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?

Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.

Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.

Him:

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

me: can i withdraw a million dollars

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Thanks for the swallow!

-bird collectors (you perv!!!)

I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

Ok, but like, how married are you?

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood