My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying