Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts

Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.

[World War One]

Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”

me and the Superbowl rn

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x