Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”

[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup

[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears

My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what