My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”