My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
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I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process