My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
i think we should see other cousins
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.