My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
You Might Also Like
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’