My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
LOL
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
2 years later
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.