My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Remember folks 😂
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
