My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
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My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I’m never leaving this app.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.