Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit

It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…

me: goodnight moon 🙂

moon: goodnight

me: goodnight stars 🙂

stars: goodnight

me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂

security guard: how the hell did you get in here

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!

*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne Johnson

The world finally knows what the Rock was cookin

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Me: *falls down entire staircase*

(20 full seconds of silence)

Dad: …careful.

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!

Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.

Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!

Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.