Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?

If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!

Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.

Husband: This house is a prison.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.