My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do