My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
You Might Also Like
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.