My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
There is no try. There is only give up.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.