My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
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my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
#math
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
