My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
My circle of trust is a meatball
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.