My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
I get distracted pretty eas
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed