My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
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Fixed this for Shakespeare
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.