@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!

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@TheTobbie

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it…

@elle91

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

@CrockettForReal

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

@jonnysun

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

@suz1973luq

Text exchange: me- we need eggs. hub- how many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.

@corinnemlwsw

Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it’s an intervention.

@sickipediabot

My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business

@5hael

*waiter pouring wine*

Say when sir

*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*