@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!

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@notalogin

Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.

@Gupton68

Him: Would you like to join our club?
Me: What kind of club?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: What are the rules?
H: We can’t talk about it.
M: Then why did you ask me to join your club?
H: What club?

@MaryJustice86

I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”

@Neauxpe

Anytime a religious organization follows me I just assume I’m being used as a case study/example and they are praying super hard.

@iQuoteComedy

Girl: “Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” Guy: “Both, now get in the van.”

@nachdermas

99% of all online behavior is explained by the fact that everyone is insanely lonely and horny. the remaining 1% is advertising

@kurteichenwald

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

@Bmangall20

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

@withanewname

[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”

@PhoenixRises69

Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people.

I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.