My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
tis the season
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want