My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
the council will decide your fate
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.