My safe word is now just a dry cough.
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-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
concern
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew