My safe word is Worcestershire
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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.