My safe word is Worcestershire
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My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.