My safe word is Worcestershire
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My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I’m crying im so happy for them
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
they really do be looking like this
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
