Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

I think the most financially irresponsible thing I’ve done is get my kids to like sushi.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

SICK’EM SPIKE!!!

[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.

Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”