My safe word is Worcestershire
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Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’