“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My new favorite headline
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack