“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.