“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
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*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
(Jupiter –
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster