My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
You Might Also Like
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Banana is the quietest snack
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.