Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

Based Erika

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*

website: we need you to call for that

me: *calls*

phone message: we’re busy, use the website

me: screams into the void

the void: please use the website

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours