My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp