My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one