Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

My dog after a walk in the woods.

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Joseph Smith, 1833

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

Random dm guy: What are you wearing?

Me: A scathing look of disdain

[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]

Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle