My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
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sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
OKAY DAD
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.