Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”

I think I’m good.

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.

Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process