My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
My god she’s good.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus