My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.