Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*serious situation*

My brain:

here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome

I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

“what’s your ideal vacation?”

dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.