My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.
It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes