Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

there’s probably a fee though

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.

Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.

OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers

DETECTIVE: dear god

OFFICER: most likely yes

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.