My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
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So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
🤣😂🤣😂
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
i would wish you the best but i am the best
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons