Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?

me: umm on a grill?

waiter: no how would you like it served?

me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”

how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭