Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you have an extra hour to think about it.

Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Me: I need a new jar of thyme

Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target

This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails

Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.