My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
the Monday after daylight savings
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent