Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough