Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji