Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Fixed this for Shakespeare

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

me: [putting socks on after sex]

her: now you have two pairs on

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?

officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*

The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

My ideal weight is five million dollars

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative