My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
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5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Oh the world we live in…