Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet

Friend: slim fast?

Me: wine

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

What my back needs

Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.

Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.