72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
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When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Well, this explains it:
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.