My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn