My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
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I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
it was a valiant fight
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions