Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

Zack Greinke stories are the best

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.

My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…