My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide![]()
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Smooooooth
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”