Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.

📸: @lizandmollie

#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

“You’d better run, egg!”

The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins