My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
My eggs wouldn’t ring up at the store and the cashier (an older Black man) said “it’s your lucky day!” And put them in my bag for free because “I ain’t calling that manager over here cuz I don’t like him. I’m old enough to be his father and I ain’t going back and forth with him”