Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Extra cheese”

Extra! Extra! More cheese!!

“No olives”

Breaking! Hold on the olives!

~Ex-Newsie working at Subway

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:

1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

“WHAT DO WE WANT”

“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”

“SOMETIME SOON”