My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
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*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
shakira sharkira
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.