My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I can’t deal with men any longer
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
having a job is cool but everydayyy???
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.