Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal

If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

😂😂😂

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?