My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
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I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
i will not be silenced
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.