TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You Might Also Like
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
sir, my pâté if you please
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot